Christmas Sucks, Part II

As I type this I'm doing my best not to vomit. Apparently Christmas was determined as the appropriate time for a norovirus to tear through the family. Wife, 9 month old, myself and my mother in law all feeling the effects. Seems the the wife is better, daughter is recovering and the mother in law and myself are moving towards health.

But what a night last night was.

And that is all the typing I have the energy for right now.

Oh My

It's been a few days of "Oh, my" moments. As is "Oh, my" I've put on five pounds in two weeks. Guess two weeks off the bike will do that. Have to get back on the trainer. Especially with my father coming down this week.

And "Oh, my" that's a lot of vomit that just came out of my child. Vomit isn't the right word here. Neither is spit-up. This wasn't a little ladylike urp onto the bib. She puked. I was holding her and I needed a shower, it was that bad. Impressive really, just another demonstration on her part as to who is really running this show right now. Parent's may think they are in charge, but rlly we're all just delusional from lack of sleep. The kids are running the show and the sooner you admit that, to noone other than yourself obviously, the happier you will be.

And "oh, my", I haven't started Christmas shopping for my wife yet. I mean we are trying to downsize, but that's a little stupid. At least most of the presents are easy to get, based more on sentimentality and an idea that rarity and difficulty to get.

And I have a couple of days till Christmas. Still more time to procrastinate.

Christmas Sucks.

No, really it does. Stress, money, logistics of family and friend visits. It can really stress a guy out. And ooohhhh, does it stress me out. I mean, what doesn't stress me out? How many times can my mother call before she is going to realize that no, I don't have any ideas this year. And I apologize to my wife who The wife's job situation doesn't help, but she is doing everything she can to find one and I'm proud of the way she is handling it. But overall we are scaling back, which is a good thing.

There are the friendships. The holidays are a time when some friendships are up for annual review. There are many people in our lives that move on, move out or simply drift away. Every year at the holidays there is that one relationship. The one that you have held dear for a long time, that for reasons we can all relate to, is suddenly reevaluated. We take pause and think about the past and potential future, making major decisions without pause and maybe take steps to renew and reconnect. Or another name is added to the Christmas card list that will be thought of briefly as a short message of good hope and cheer is written early the next winter.

It sounds cliche to complain about the commercialization of the holidays, but it's really true for me this year. I look forward to gifts I will inevitably get, and to the smiles that what we can give will hopefully bring. But more than that this year, I look forward to family and the smiles of my children. I'm sure it is due in no small part to our financial position, but whatever the reason I see it as a blessing. And we can all use a few more of those right now.

DCCofD

So I had been training with a good group of people for the last few weeks. Unfortunately the training for the season has come to an end, as with the exception of the kid, our season's have come to a close. But I took the oppurtunity to go out after the final training ride with a group of the guys, and I have to say it was fun.

Now, I'll be the first to tell you that I am not the most social person. Actually, my wife would probably be the first to say it as I would be off in a corner by myself. But anyway, the folks from the DCCofD are a group that I already feel comfortable hanging out with.

I'm currently the ssslllloooowwww guy. Like really slow. The group ranges from me to steady B podium finishers, to the kid and even a few elite types. If the efforts we did were more than two laps, I'd be a lapped rider every night. But everyone is still welcoming and I appreciate that. And I thank everyone for their patience, encouragement and the remedial lessons.

You see, I think that one of the reasons, actually I know that one of the reaons I got involved in bikes and endurance sports is the community. With few exceptions the cycling community is filled with wonderful people. I have ridden with Tour de Frnace winners, had yellow jersey wearers and world champs in my house and I have had top riders stop and talk to me for no reason other than I was a fellow cyclist.

When does that happen in baseball?

And one of the things that I will remember from the dinner with the DCCofD the other night is the discussion about the pros we all have encountered. The talk revolved around world and national champs, known riders and up and comers. And without fail they were all recognized for being just another rider. Approachable, friendly, even stopping of their own choice to have a discussion with some stranger on the side of the course. They recognize what is truly important in their sport and perhaps beyond, and so I recognize the value that they provide to our community.

And that is why I ride. That is why I stand in the mud to hand off fresh bikes and why I ride through secret locations on freezing cold nights. To be part of something. Something that I did not create, but something that I can continue and introduce to others. I'm not the type of father to force my children into this or that activity, at least I don't think so but time will tell, but I hope more than anything that can find a community that encourages them to be part of something bigger than themselves.

So to all the folks of the Delaware Cyclocross Coalition of Delaware, I say thank you. Thank you for accepting a slow, fat rider looking for something to be a part of.

Nothing, Really...

Don't really have anything exciting to post about today. Just home early with a "sick" kid. I use the term loosely, because while there is no doubt he has a cold, he's also begging for cookies. So I don't think we are dealing with a long term illness here. Unless school counts as an illness.

So since I don't really have anything from today, maybe a flashback is in order.

Raced the Granogue Cross race in October. I sucked. Completely. Got lapped in a C race. Not Good. But cross, oh my. I am hooked. Already looking forward to next season. The suffering, the weather, the pain, the mud. The friends, the atmosphere, the competition. I can't wait.

Second race was better...

I volunteered to help with the Fair Hill race, hoping to get a comped entry. The comped entry came, as did the gift of a front row start. Thanks, Jan. Nothing like being an obstacle. I started better than at Granogue, meaning that I hadn't lost contact with the field by the end of the first straight. I fought through, thanks in no small part to the cheers from FSVS and DCCofDer's around the course. It took over two laps for the women to start passing me! Small victories are all I have to hope for at this point.

Third race I had looked forward to all year...

US Grand Prix of Cyclocross at Mercer County Park. I was actually riding with ither racers through most of the first half a lap. Even passing some. Then it happened. The chain twisted, it didn;t break, but warped just enough to wander off the chain rings each time around. Race over. But not the day.

Found the DCCofD headquarters in a nearby parking lot and was treated to familiar faces, encouragement and a shower. And I was happy to work the pits for the guys in the B race. That Bahnson kid is something, hopefully Tom McD and L-Web will look out for him like I know they will.

And that's a lot about nothing.

Wow

It's been a long time. Busy summer. Busy Autumn. No good excuses for not doing this. Though the 8-month old sitting on my lap is certainly increasing the degree of difficulty.

Most of the things I worried about at the time of the last post are still going on. My wife is still unemployed. My grandmother is still going downhill. Slowly.

But I'm on drugs now. No not that kind. Doesn't solve any problems, but it does help clarufy things. Allows focus on the important things and takes away the panic about things I can't control.

So while mostly things have not changed, I have. I'm calmer. I'm a cycocrosser now. I'm riding once a week with the DCCofD and I love every second that of just trying to hang on. And I'm hoping to do better next year.

If I get around to it I may post some info on the bike and the races. But we'll see.

Yikes...

Having two kids in the house keeps you busy. Still working on getting the cross bike done.

And still doing my best to keep a level head while my wife waits to see if she will have a job for the next school year. And to see if my Mom survives putting my Grandmother in the "facility".

Been a busy spring. Going to be a crazy summer.

Hoping to have the cross bike pictures up this weekend.

There are no words...

to describe my experience taking Caitlin to the pediatrician last week. But I'll try, because for two hours last week, my life became a sit-com, and it has to be shared if I'm to realize how funny it really was.

Nothing unusual about taking the kid to the doctor. Just a 2-month well visit, and everything was fine. But I forgot the diaper bag. Rookie mistake. And my timing was off.

So we got there and got into the exam room without incidient. It was at that point that I realized that she needed to eat. But I could probably stretch things out till we got home no problem. Then we waited. And waited. And when the doctor came in I had to fess up.

Daddy Day Care meet Daddy Dumb Ass.

Thankfully the office always has formula on hand and in no time at all she was fed and happy. Crisis averted.

Right.

Then came the poop. Oh, my. The poop. There shouldn't have been that much poop coming out of this little body at one time. But we'll only be here a couple of minutes. We can still make it. Oh my god, the smell. And what is dripping on my pants.

Crap. Literally.

So back out with the sheepish grin as I beg for a diaper. Again no problem. Taken care of. With only mild laughter from the staff.

Just a couple of shots and an oral vaccine and we are out of here.

Apparently the oral vaccine didn't agree with her discriminating palate. Cause it went in and then came back out. Along with all the formula. For the last two days, based on the volume. Pound for pound if that much vomit came out of me it would overflow the septic system.

The nurse was wonderful. Helpful, understanding. And the Scooby-Doo hospital gown, cause I forgot the diaper bag, that she got to come home in was very cute.

I don't think I can ever go back there.

I'm a man I swear.

My name is Jamie, fairly non-gender specific, I admit.

I shave my legs which doesn't help my case. But I'm a bike racer, and don't give much thought to those who judge me for smooth legs.

I get mail addressed to Ms. Jamie Mack, which is understandable but still annoying.

I get telemarketer calls looking for Ms. Jamie Mack. I hang up on those who don't correct themselves after hearing my voice.

I currently off from work for a few weeks to take care of the new baby. Which, I have to admit, is much tougher than I expected it to be.

And today I spent 45 minutes walking around an arts and crafts chains store. I was trying to buy things for my wife's class I swear.

But add all these things up and I begin to wander when the men in jeans and t-shirts with the sleeves cut off are going to show up to revoke my man card.

I swear if it wasn't for the testosterone injection of watching Ax Men and Dangerous Catch, I'd hand it over.

Mr. Mom, Day 4,389

That was a long week. And I didn't even have sole responsibility for the little one for the entire week. One of the G-Moms came down for a couple of days and provided me with a brief respite from the sum of my fatherly duties. The first couple days were tough. Adjusting to each other, adjusting to new schedules and new adventures. But by the end of the week things had settled in a little. Now, I'm just a little nervous about how the next three weeks are going to go.

Should be interesting. Of, course I'd like this entry to be longer, but as I have finally settled down to do something for myself, the little one is starting to screech.

Mr. Mom, Day 1

OK, so it's actually day three of this little bonding experience, but this is the first chance I have had to type anything. It surprising how not being at work can be so tiring. I definitely have a new respoect for stay at home Mom's. I'm in the first week of a four week stint, and I'm already tired. And I'm already sure that I'm going to miss being home with the little one, which surprises me.

See, with both of the kids I have been back at work within a day or two of birth. Not out of some sense of duty, but there just wasn't anything for me to do. I get bored easily. Well, that's not really the case. I think saying that I need more than one thing to occupy my mind is a better way to put it. You know the type, I can only work in my office with the radio on, even though I don;t really listen to it. ADD, focus problems, whatever you want to call it. Give me one thing to concentrate on doing and I'm likely going to screw it up because my mind is trying to figure out our finances for the next six months while my eyes are trying to read the latest on why this plastic bottle is bad for you. What was I saying?

No idea. Anyway, this blog thing has lasted longer than I thought it would. Though I doubt my rambling all over the place musings are of interest to anyone, I've put down more than I thought I would.

E-Bay Love, E-Bay Hate

I have a love-hate relationship with E-bay. I love that I can find a Ringle Mojo Cable hanger years after they have been made. Cause it will look great on the new cross bike. I hate that I'm apparently the family merchant. I've got a set of Rolf wheels that I need to ship out. And a Cannondale, that's been ridden within an inch of its life that's on there now. Good Luck if you've been looking for just that.

Really I'm just sucking up cause I think once this stuff is sold off, I'll be the proud owner of a brand spankin' new Ultegra SL groupset and a nice set of Ksryium wheels. So I really don;at have much room to complain.

Cause I love that no matter what you're selling, someone is buying. I have a friend that sold on broken I-pod. Who's buying this stuff?

But mostly, I hate that 30 seconds before any auction ends, 12 people will suddenly appear and bid. Find something you want, be a man. Bid and take the risk. That's the whole point.

Quiet Week

Relatively anyway. Busy at work, but getting through. Still feel odd to be taking four weeks off to hang out at home. I'm not sure how I am going to do here. I've had the benefit of handing the kid over to my wife if she got to be difficult. Although I've tried not to do that lately. Still weird to think about all that time off. Hopefully she'll enjoy some time in the jog stroller so I can keep the fitness up.

Racing again. Two races in one year that don;t include swimming or tearing through the woods at 3 am. Should be fun, part of the Wilmington Grand Prix so there may actually be spectators. Lots of people treated to the site of my not as thin as I'd like to be, definitely not as fast as I could be ass flying through the streets of Wilmington. Should be a treat for all.

Decisions, decisions.

So I now have two rather nice road bikes in the basement. And I can only keep one. Borrow would be a better word I guess cause neither really beongs to me. They are both hand-me-downs from my faster than I am father (60 years old and he still just rides me off his wheel).

One I have had for a couple of years now. Very nice Aegis Aro Svelte. Good parts, cheap wheels. Great bike, great ride, but older and not as race oriented as the other.

The other I have ridden in NJ whenever we are up for the weekend and I manage to sneak out for a ride. Cannondale CAAD7, R3000. Newer than the Aegis with a better parts spec, but probablya few more definitely tougher miles.

I am keeping one. But I have instructions to E-Bay the other. And no input on which it should be. And I can't make up my mind.

Practicality vs. Sentimentality.

The Cannondale is the better bike. But the Aegis was here first. The Aegis representsmy first steps back into the bike culture. The Aegis is the first of now numerous gifts of support from my father. But the Cannondale is the better bike.

I've grown as a rider.

Should I cling to the beginning or ride into the future?

Little Things

Amazing how the little things can set me off. Phone call last night. About nothing. Just my wife's job calling with some news. Not good news mind you, but nothing that directly affects us. But just hearing a message. Normal, call me back because I need to tell you something message, and the next thing you know I've got us living in a trailer cause we can't afford the house anymore.

Over nothing. Dumbass.

Kids a Junkie.

That's right the three year old is hooked. Needs it first thing in the morning and it's the last thing he asks for at night. We're trying to keep it under control, but he's getting to be an ornery little bugger. And that tropical flavored Triaminic is rough stuff.

Apparently there is a cold being passed around day care. Only a matter of time before I have to take a day off because the day care lasy is a little fragile. She's just starting out, hasn't built up the immune system yet.

But the kid is a trooper. He's gotten up the last three days sounding like an 80-year old man with emphysema. Hack, hack, cough, cough. By the time we made the five minute trip to daycare this morning he had snot covering both hands and dripping off his chin. At least he's learned to cover his mouth.

I don't know what has changed, but apparently the anxieties are under control this week. Last week was rough, one step away from my wife either having me committed, or just running me down with the car for the insurance. I think with everything going on with the family in NJ, work being a little stressful and not working out much just piled on until the camel collapsed under the stack.

Done in by straw, how's that for a metaphor for letting the little things get to you?

Exhausted

I'm literally sitting here on the couch with the computer on my lap wondering what to do with it. I have done a lot already this weekend and have a lot more on my plate. And I am just exhausted. My wife is upstairs trying to catch some sleep after a couple of rough nights with the newborn. The three-year old is on the couch after a good dose of Triaminic because he woke up sounding like an old man with emphysema. And Caitlin is resting in Grammy's arms on the loveseat. And Thank God for Grammy, because I just don't have the energy or the patience this morning to deal with the two kids by myself.

I raced this weekend, which is nice, but I went to visit my grandmother in the stroke rehab facility, which is difficult. And I did my best to try to help my Mom relax. But given all that's going on, it's difficult. She's doing her best to be there for my grandmother, who in addition to having a stroke, has had her dog die, is about to be moved permanently to a nursing home and have her house sold. And she doesn;t know about the last three. I think she still has it in her mind that she is going home soon to live out her life with Molly. When she finds out that is not going to happen, I don't know how much life she'll have left.

And I've had a lot heaped onto my plate lately. Along with all the stuff at work, which I'm trying to get done in the next three weeks to spend some time at home with Caitlin. I have all the stuff that my wife is going through and dealing with the two kids. Who I love, don't get me wrong, but they are draining. I have two bikes and a set of wheels that my Dad asked me to clean and sell, which I can't turn down since I'm keeping whichever doesn't sell first. And he's handing over an Ultegra SL group and Mavic wheels that I can use to build up the Hole Shot. I don't hesitate to help with things, I'm just running out of time in the day.

And all the while I'm trying to keep up my workout schedule to keep all the anxieties at bay.

But with all this time I'm spending here whining about everything, I don't know if I'm going to get to everything.

Yikes. Sometimes I really just need to put all this down in writing so that I can see how stupd it is. I shouldn't be whining, because all in all I have things pretty good.

Sandy Hook TT

Made the trip up to NJ this weekend for the Sandy Hook TT. Almost 300 people registered for the race this year, which seemed high to me. I've done this one before and it's nice to go out and race an event with my father and some of the guys I ride with when visiting the parents in Jersey.

The weather for this race is usually horrendous. Standard gear for this event usually includes more equipment and rain gear than a weekend camping trip. Thankfully this year it wasn't needed. Racing in shorts, jersey and wind jacket and I was overheating by the end of my effort.

The weather was all we could ask for, however the organization and the volunteers were a little lacking. First, unlike previous years, the numbers were not given to riders in start order. They were all over the place, which made it difficult to keep track of where you were in the start and when you needed to be there. I almost got dropped by the starter before the official began counting down and I know of at least one rider who was let go when the starter said 5 seconds to go.

But the weather was beautiful. Started out into the wind, and probably did not go as hard as I could have since the turnaround seemed to come sooner than I expected. Nice tailwind on the way back, but just didn't feel the snap in the legs that I was hoping for. But still likely a bit faster than last year, though most of that is probably due to the more favorable weather.

Still waiting for the final results, I'll update again when I get them.

My Wife

I don't think I've mentioned my wife yet. Along with putting up with all my anxiety, and to be honest whining, but she has embraced my love of all things bike. I couldn't ask for a more supportive women in my life. This evening, for example, she tangled with the 3-year old and the one month old, so that I could pack and bring the Tri Bike up to speed. All so I can then abandon her for the weekend to ride the Sandy Hook TT. I can't believe how lucky I am to have found someone like her. Though I don't understand why she puts up with someone like me.

If only my bike was being as supportive right now. All I had to do was do the final tune before the race and lay down some new handlebar tape. And then the cable housing on the front derailleur burst. Just freaking unraveled. I didn't even know that could happen. And somehow a bad cable lead to a bottom bracket rebuild. Nothing is ever easy. Especially the first race of the season. But while I'm not quite primed and ready I'm probably not as fat and slow as I feel, so here we go.

Sanity, sort of.

But sanity shall prevail this weekend. Well, as sanity in the form of a bike race. A time trial. In what is usually a 40 degree, rainy, windy day at the beach. Last year, I got through my race and just suffered waiting around for the old guys to go off. Have to dress better this year.

My Dad has done this race for the past several years, with me joining last year for the first time as a racer. It's pretty cool that my Dad and I can share the whole bike thing. He's very supportive, as any good father would be. And only kicks my ass by little, so I don't feel that bad about myself.

Racing the time trial at Sandy Hook this weekend. So hopefully this is the event that shall allow me to relax, bring back some perspective, at least for a little while.

Though I will miss the wife and kids. Kids with an "s", still not used to that. And this is the first time since we brought Kaitlin home that I'll be away overnight. It's tough to do, but has to be done. For the good and sanity of is all.

Driving Myself Insane

That's apparently what I have chosen to devote this week too. Absolutely, unequivocally, freekin insane. Over nothing. Take the smallest possibility of something, and blow it up into something greater than it could ever be and you have where I get myself. Even the true consequences of what I can imagine are not worthy of the anxieties and energies that I devote to mere possibilities.

I'm driving myself nuts. And I'm doing my best to drag those around me down with me.

My mother is the only person that I know of that worries about things on the level that I do. And when I told her my latest worries, she laughed at me. That's the point that I began to feel better. Because when other anxious people start making fun of you, you've crossed the line of reality into the area where you're just fishing for attention.

Finally, progress.

FInally got some work on the Holeshot done. After more than a month of just staring at it I have in the last two days began the build.

This frame was beautiful out of the box. The finish is this amazing red metallic pearl coat or something finish. And the paneled down and seat tube just add another layer of class. S-shaped stays and gusseted head tube junction. Very nice. Still trying to decide why the cable routing for the front shifter is on the drive side, but I'm sure there is a reason.

My only complaint is the plain text used for the Holeshot logos and the website written on the chainstay. Too plain to do the other logos, and the frame in general, justice.

So, on to the build. Put on all the small parts, seat collar, BB cable guide, etc. And moved on to the fork. Installed the start nut in the fork, then measured and cut the steerer, removed the starnut from the scrap and installed it in the right place. I have a habit of getting ahead of myself. No harm done though.

After getting the fork squared away, put all the headset parts together. Put the stem on tightened it down and ended with this:



Can't wait to get this beast finished.

Good Night, Bad Night

Last night was a bad night. The latest on my Grandmother is that she is not eating or drinking enough. We're not sure if it's because of a physical problem or if she has chosen to give up. It's just a wait and see situtation at this point, but when they start talking about IV's and feeding tubes in the Rehab center, it's probably not a good sign.

But I have a hard time being very sad at most points. Not that I won't miss her or that I don't love her. But she is 88, has outlived her spouse, her friends and one of her children. Even her dog, her best companion for the last few years, seems to be stretching her paws to heaven, and we don't know how long she will last. I think I could forgive her for letting go and moving on. Most of us can only hope to live as long anad as well as she has.

But I also enjoyed last night. For the reasons above I sought out solitude in my workshop for a little while. A new bike in the stand, Transitions 2 in the DVD player and a wonderful glass of Merlot. All I did was install the fork on the bike, a minor accomplishment. But being down there alone (there's a word you don't see often with a toddler and infant in the house) working on the Holeshot and relaxing with a few sips of wine, was wonderful. Putting all the anxieties and thoughts out of my head and actually acommplishing something for myself.

It was just peaceful.

Some Day

I'll finally get around to putting my cross bike together. It started out as a joke that I would probably be putting it together the night before the first race in October. Now that it has been sitting in the box for over a month, I guess the joke is on me.

There is good news though, I do have a part. Picked these up from Eugene at Bike Werx. Beautiful pieces of metal. Can't wait to get them on, eventually.

And there may be some other parts coming, just have to keep my fingers crossed.

Worried

I worry about things. I think I've mentioned that before. But here's the deal. I don't worry about everyday things. The things I worry about are in the future. Actually, they are in the possible future. I can take a little nugget of information, that doesn't mean anything to anyone else, and turn it into the end of the world.

Given the economic times, it's not surprising that some employers are cutting costs, even considering or already cutting jobs. My employer is no different. Except that it's a state government with over 14,000 employees. And somehow, the mere mention of layoffs has me convinced I'll be first. That's right a reporter asked the obvious question, how will the government deal with the recently revealed budget shortfalls. Projected shortfalls, no less. Far enough into the future that things can, and probably will, change. Seems reasonable enough.

Not for me.

Instead of taking the news in stride and waiting to see how the current ecomonic climate continues to unfold, I'm just going to jump to my own conclusions. I'm apparently going to be miserable for a few days, cause it will do no good and serve no purpose. But I am apparently compelled to do it anyway.

They haven't even said there are going to be layoffs. In fact said that they weren't considering that yet, just put it in the future picture with more taxes. Even went so far as to explain why layoffs wouldn't be a good strategy.

But no, in my head, that ship has sailed. Right off the cliff.

It's a wonder anyone puts up with me.

Tough Day

Started today by learning that my Grandmother had a stroke, probably more than one, and was in the hospital. Wonderful. So instead of the nice family weekend, having everyone down here, we are loading up the GC with my wife and I, the three year old and the two WEEK old kids, the dog and all the associated crap that goes along.

Road trip. Family style. I figure 5 hours for the normally two and a half hour drive. Lovely.

Now don't get me wrong. I love my Grandmother. And it was my idea to make this trip for the sole purpose of Great-Grandmother - Great-Granddaughter getting to meet. There may not be many chances left for this so off we go.

But the stress. Oh, my the stress. Am I a bad person because all the time I'm sitting there with my mother and grandmother, I'll be wondering if it's too selfish to see if I can go riding with my Dad?

So I did the only thing I could think of to relieve the stress. I went swimming at lunch until I was too lightheaded to stand up right. I looked like I was drunk walking to the locker room. The lifeguard seemed impressed. A whole 500 yards. Of course this was all after I had tracked my goggles down in the lost and found. Dumbass.

Been way too long since I got in the pool. Have to start working that again if I want to not make a fool of myself in a race or two this summer.

Oh, well. The weekend is here. Off we go on the merry-go-round.

Freakin Wind

Can someone explain to me how the wind in Delware can blow in three different directions in the span of two and a half hours. My loving, supportive wife had relieved me of my responsibilities to her and the kids for the afternoon, so I headed out for a nice 40-mile tour. Out through Magnolia and cross 13, passed the winery in Felton (No, I'm not kidding.) and out towards Caroline County.

And suffering in the wind, one of the toughest days I've had on the Eastern Shore. Heart rate pegged trying to keep 19 mph. All the way looking forward to the way East and a lovely tailwind.

It wasn't to be. The head wind just got worse with every turn. Finally broke me with about 10 to go. Just bonked, nothing left in the tank.

I swear I saw a flag tied in a knot around a pole. How does that happen?

Never thought the day would come when I would look forward to hills. At least they end.

Active Relaxation

Apparently I'm no longer able to sit and just do nothing. And I have to be doing at least two things at once. If I'm watching TV, I've got the laptop out playing games or looking at other blogs for inspiration. (There are a lot of cool people out there, I can only hope to become one.) I think I'm driving my wife nuts. Not only am I always doing something, but I'm doing so much more housework than normal it's starting to worry her.

And at the same time I feel like I don't have time to get the things that I want to do done. Life with two kids is wonderful, but complicated. Hopefully things will get a little more routine after the wife is healed from the surgery and the newest little one starts to settle into a routine.

But that's probably just wishful thinking. It will always be a little hectic around here. But that's OK, at least it's keeping the anxiety at bay for now.

At the same time I have a beautiful cross frame in the basement that I've only managed to unpack.

12 Minutes

12 Minutes. That's about the longest period of time I have sat since I got home. Between the 3 year old and the wife still recovering from the C-section and needed many things done for her, I've been a little busy these last couple of nights. Not that I'm complaining, I can't do that. At least not out loud, which explains why I'll spend most of that 12 minutes typing.

See, normally I'm a pretty relaxed guy. OK, that's not really true. Normal and I don;t cross paths very often. I'm a relaxed guy between bouts of absurd anxiety thinking about idiotic scenarios that have built up in my mind. Anyone ever worry that....

I can't even finish that sentence. Most of the things I worry about are so far out there, that anyone reading this would think less of me for seeing it written down. Worrying sometimes catches me off guard, sometimes it sneaks up like a slowly moving fog. Getting pleasantly cloudy until I suddenly find myself blinded by anxiety from all directions.

God I need to workout. Bike. Run. Swim. Just move. Do something. That's my secret to sanity. And I haven't been able to enjoy that simple pleasure often enough the last few days.

And it's all their fault. That's not really fair. I don't blame my wife and kids, God knows I'm not complete without the joy and chaos they infuse into my life. But they are the reason. They don't do it on purpose. They just do it.

And it's frustrating. It's one thing when I can't drag my lazy ass out of bed. Then I have someone to blame. But when I'm up late helping with the baby and don't get up to ride, there is noone I can blame. When I offer to take my wife lunch and don;t get to run, I won't blame her.

But tomorrow I'm going to workout. Or at least get to the shop to pick up the TRP Euro X brakes that have been waiting patiently for me.

Holeshot!

So I started this whole thing to have some where to vent out all the bicycle related thoughts and activities that I don't think my wife particularlay cares about. So here it is. The first bike related post.

I just picked up my first cyclocross frame. OK, I picked it up like a month ago. Hey, I just had another kid, things have been a little hectic.

I had a great debate between several bikes from Jamis, Fuji and Van Dessel. For some reason I have an issue with using carbon fiber during a crash likely issue like cross. I know that it is a structurally sound material, just have some issue with it. Not too mention that budget was a consideration for this little endeavor.

Anyway, that eliminated the Jamis offering and the Van Dessel Gin and Trombones.

Leaving the Fuji Cross Pro and the Van Dessel Hole Shot. Forgive me but I'm going on a little tangent here. Anyone who has been around bikes for a while has probably heard mention of Bikes Direct. Basically they have resurrected older brand names, put them on new frames with good components and seel them at well below their claimed retail prices. I don't have any personal experience with the company, other than reading through many of the threads on Bike Forums on the company and their bikes. And there isn't a whole lot of negativity, at least with some basis in reason. So even though I have no plans to buy from them (I prefer to support my LBS), I don't have anything against them.

Anyway, back on point. As I researched and debated the merits of the cross pro versus the Holeshot, I for some reason found myself on BD's website. And I found their cross bike. With a description that matched, word for word, the Fuji Cross Pro. I had to pause for a second. I know that their are only so many factories in the world churning out bike frames, but I usually give the benefit of the doubt that a large, long existing company produces things in house. So seeing BD with a description matching that of Fuji gave me second thoughts.

I had no doubts about the quality of each, but given the price difference, I started to wonder about the value of the Fuji.

So my attention turned to the Holeshot. And I'm glad it did.

Kids, with an S

So we've gone from Kid to Kids. Caitlin Elizabeth was born on Wednesday at 10:33 am. Planned C-section, very uneventful, everything went well.

So I've moved on from worrying about my wife and the unborn child. I'm sure I'll start worrying about her soon. It doesn;t take me long. Zero to anxiety attack in 3.7 seconds. Just hasn't happened the last couple of days. But it will I'm usre it's coming.

Just have to try and get a workout in today. And trying to get started with the 2 a days this week. Going to ride in the mornings then run or swim at lunch time. Good luck to me.

Bikes

Believe it or not I did start this whole blog thing to have somewhere to spew all the bike related activites and thoughts that I have. I know looking at the posts so far, it seems I'm just here to whine, but I promise that's not the case.

I have a brand new Van Dessel Hole Shot frame sitting in my basement. In a box. Haven;t even had time to assemble the headset. When you're wife is about to give birth and you have a three year old to tame, some things have to take a back seat.

But there is bike related content coming. I owe myself at least that much.

Calm Before the Storm

Though at this point I don't think calm is part of the equation, storm seems about right.

My wife is scheduled for a C-Section on Wednesday for the birth of our second child. Being born at 37 weeks due to some minor complications. At this point calm is a very relative term. Calling my wife 3-4 times a day, in my opinion, is calm. Staying home at staring at her all day constantly asking, "Are you OK?", is, in her opinion, not calm.

Now this is our second child, which should make things less stressful. However, I don't have all the preparatory things that we did for the first child to occupy my mind and body and burn off some of this anxiety. So I have been working out as much as I can. Physically I'm drained, emotionally I'm running 90 miles an hour.

Hopefully things will calm down after Wednesday.

J

Stress

Stress is a funny thing. Very dependent on the day, the hour, the minute. Even the weather seems to be playing a part in my stress level lately. Enough snow to excite my 3-year old, not enough to go make snow angels. He was bummed. And I take that hard. I think more than anything I hope to limit the dissappointment in my child's (soon to be children's) life. I know that I can't stop all the pain and heartaches that life will throw at them, and I wouldn't want to. Pain is a vital part of life, for nothing makes you appreciate what you have more. But I think I can work on the little day to day things. Limit their stress level for that minute or so.

And the whole pregnancy thing is tough. And yes, I mean on the guy. The woman suffers, there is no doubt. But there are support groups, friends and evne strangers that wish the Mom luck and tell their stories of what they have been through.

As the Dad, I suffer in silence, mostly. I try not to vent to my wife, because she feels that it is her fault. Her fault that I work all day and clean and cook all night. And in a way it is. But it's an odd paradox. See, I wish she would get up and help once in awhile. Bt I'm the first one to stop her and tell her to go relax. So I guess if I have anyone to blame for my feelings of frustration and fatigue, it would be me.

What do you know. My wife is right. Everything is my fault.

New Kicks

So I finally think I have my running issues sorted out. So no whining today. I'm breaking in a brand new set of these. And they are fitted with brand spankin' new orthotics.

Yes, my wife loves to point out that I now, according to her, I am wearing orthopedic shoes.

But I don't care. I haven't been able to run regularly in a few months due to plantar fasciitis and I can't wait to get back to it.

Composure

I seem to be getting calmer, at least for the moment. My wife had a doctor's appointment this morning. Nothing serious, or unusual compared to her first pregnancy, but they are doing a few more tests and mentioned the possibility of her not working anymore until the birth.

Now I had a slight freak out moment. I know that it's important to follow the doctor's advice. But I also know that she is unemployed come June and everyday off is less of a chance for her to get a position for next year. Now, realize that the last part is really only true in my head.

And I know that.

I just forget sometimes.

I know that her chances for a job next year likely rest more on the funding for that position than anything else.

I just forget sometimes.

I know that I have a wonderful wife and an incredible son. And we both have families that will support us in any way they can.

I never forget that.

I will admit that this blogging thing seems to help. Even I realize how absurd some of my wonderings and anxieties sound when they are written to the world to see. OK, maybe not the world, but I'm sure those two people who have read this feel that way. Assuming they stuck around long enough.

3 Year Olds

I got to spend the day at home with our 3-year old today. Thanks to a way too late to make other arrangements call from our daycare provider.

Not that I mind, he's pretty cool to hang out with for a toddler. But these things always seem to happen when things at work are at their peak. Thankfully after a few hurried e-mails, calls and some quick formatting work, the fire for the day was out and I was free to relax.

Relax. Something that I have never been very good at. Physically, yes. I can lounge on the couch with the best of them. Mentally, though, things never slow down. And when I don't have something productive to think about, things go downhill quickly. Stressed about the impending birth, but mostly because it complicates my wife's job situation.

See, she's a teacher, but since we moved into Delaware she's only been able to get temporary jobs. So basically come June, she's unemployed until something comes up. Usually in December. This year she's finally in a good school surrounded by great people and supported by a wonderful principal. And she's pregnant. Which is wonderful and I couldnt be more thrilled.

But it complicates things, at least in my head. I, for some reason, have decided in my mind that each hour she takes off, which are well justified, will make it harder for her to get the job again next year. I have this image of her principal holding everything against her. Which I know is not the case, but I still drive myself nuts thinking about it.

Quite a tangent. I told you I had issues.

Back to the toddler. We're rolling out sugar cookie dough and I turned my back for a second.

By now I should no better.

I turn back and I now have a flour covered toddler and twelve cookies with little fingerprints throughout.

After the third attempt we managed to get them in the oven.

I love hanging out with him. He does wonders towards keeping my mind from running away with my anxieties.

Stress

Stress is a good motivator to do a lot of things. Never thought starting a blog would be one of those things, but hey, you never can be sure where things are headed. That's part of the fun for most people, but to me it's just another reason to consider professional help.

I guess I've gotten to the point that I need somewhere to vent all my anxieties. I mean, my pregnant wife can only be expected to deal with so much, right? So here it is. I'm a worrier. And I don't mean a little concern over the impending recession or who (hopefully) will be pulling us out come Jan. 20. I mean idiotic, mostly created in my head worrying over things that haven't happened, won't happen or that wouldn't even occur to most people.

I said I had issues. Consider yourself warned.

I'm not sure how often I'll be on here, or how long I'll stick with this, but not knowing is part of the fun right?