Silver Linings

I've been sick for the last three days. The four year old has been sick for the last two. Though he had it worst.

Sears will be here Tuesday for a repair appointment sometime 8 AM and 5 PM (HOW IS THAT AN APPOINTMENT?!). But, I'm going to have a working washer at the end of the day and the knowledge that I could have fixed it. And won't risk the wrath of my wife because the laundry is spreading out of the bedrooms and down the stairs.

I have to drive two hours with the whole family to a birthday party at Gymboree! tomorrow. But it will be cool to see Liz and Scott and maybe get some Wii time.

My boss is the oldest infant I have ever met. How many people complain that there is no reason to have someone checking up on them, then make things more difficult for everyone out of spite? At almost 70 (yes, seventy) years old he should know better. Thankfully there are many other sane people...OK maybe sane isn't right. We're all just screwed up in a way that allows us to work well together. But they, and some of the work we do, make it worthwhile.

And the big one. I haven't been able to work out much this week. But I feel guilty about it for the first time in weeks. The gauge is finally starting to tip to motivated.

And I hate being on drugs. I didn;t seek help with my anxiety for a long time, and now I don't know why. I guess I was afraid that they would change who I was, make me someone artificial. But now I see, that that decision may have just made me who I should have been all along.

And if nothing else, the drugs have really made me see that there usually is a silver lining. Even if you have to make it up yourself.

Not Just A Cyclist

So cycling is a huge part of my life. I love the rides, races, the people, just the whole feeling. It's a little cliche to say that if I have to explain it, you wouldn't understand, but for the sport of cycling and even moreso cyclocross, it's never seemed more true.

But over the last few months I have begun to develop a new obsession. Beer. Not just any beer. And really, not just beer. Brewing. Homebrewing. It's really cool. Like cooking but you get beer. I'm just diving into this hobby, but already it has been fun and rewarding. The first batch is gone and the second is a few weeks from being ready. The Belgian Wit that we have finished off, was one of the most drinkable beers I have ever had. Fresh, good notes of orange peel and coriander. Nothing extraordinary by most means I'm, but good nonetheless. And the wife enjoyed it. She liked drinking it, enjoyed the taste and even helped in the bottling process. And she's allowing me to ferment the next batch, a Bavarian Dunkelweizen, in the kitchen.

The thing that strikes me about this new hobby is the similarities to my other obsession. The community is wonderful. Cooperative, supportive and encouraging. Sharing recipes and information is a given and the patience some of the people on Home Brew Talkshow for newbies is amazing.

I finally have something to obsess over between races.

2008 and 2009

So, I've been cruising around the usual blogs and have seen the typical "Best of" and such. 2008 has been an interesting year for me. Obviously the best thing to happen to me was this little gift....



And Caitlin, being the best thing that came into my life, and my son and wife being the best things that we're already a part of my life, I am left to contemplate other things.

There have been some major changes for me and within me this year. While the most life-changing moments involved doctor's appointments, discussions with my wife and several prescriptions, cause uncontrollable anxiety is just a cruel bitch to live with, I choose to ignore these for the purposes of this discussion. I started this blog almost a year ago to help move past those issues, not to dwell on them.

So, childbirth, family and medication aside, I have chosen the most lifechanging moment of my 2008.

It's an event that seemed to both transcend description and yet not be worthy of mention. Something I wanted to scream from the highest cliff and at the same time keep to myself lest too many others discover it and make it their own.

OK, this post has taken way to seriuos a turn. Serious enough as to go against the very nature of the activity I am describing.

Cyclocross. Exquisitely painful. Wonderfully damaging. Inspirational and exhausting. It has both helped me find my limits and expand my horizons.

It started with an idea about this time last year. Just pick up a frame. Club discounts were announced. E-mails were sent. Debates were undertaken. I annoyed people that I had never even met.

And I brought home the first new baby of this year:



And it began. The slow dressing of the new addition. Spoiled with an brand new Ultegra SL drivetrain, FSA Carbon Bars, Mavic Ksryiums and random parts from other steeds, it began to take shape. It was ridden a few times, played with really, as I didn't know what was waiting for me.

Then it was raced. Granogue. Queen of the MAC.

I could use a lot of cliches and sappy terms to describe what I felt and what I went through, but I would fail in my quest to relate what cross is. Cross is to be experienced not described. The only words I can think to write is that cross is simple. You either get it or you don't.

I thought I knew what I was getting into. I thought I had figured out what cross was. I was wrong. Cross isn't a bike race. Cross is a community. Cross is a lifestyle. And the race was only the beginning. Only a taste.

The real fun began when I found the DCCofD. There's nothing official here, it's just a group of crossers. Pulled from other formal clubs and teams into a loose meeting of likeminded folks. My contact began as a request to join an e-mail list. It was obvious from the start that this group was different.

I've joined other lists. Send a request and you're a member. Not this time. There was more to this one. It was intriguing and intimidating at the same time. I knew some of these rders by face and reputation, even if I hadn't met them. They were real riders, real racers. And I well, I wasn't.

But I was welcomed by this guy. Come out to a practice or two, volunteer at the upcoming race and we'll see. So I drove over an hour to a middle school in Wilmington. And I rode with the DCCofD. And I sucked, completely and totally.

Now, I'll diverge a little here. It's obvious at this point that I have issues. Real issues. And social situations, well, let's just say they don't usually bring out the best in me. And that, as much as the riding is why I was encouraged by my wonderful and supportive wife to do this. In reality, she all but physically threw me out the door to go to the practice.

But I was welcomed. I was introduced. And I was dropped. I almost got lapped in a two lap effort. I was left behind by a rider with a broken ankle. But I was there.

And then I started getting advice. Real, helpful honest advice. Tire pressure, body position, I truly felt welcomed. At the end of the first practice, I was welcomed and I was added to the e-mail list. An odd thing to be proud of, I know, but I have to take what I can get when it comes to personal achievement.

I came back for more week after week. And then it happened. They made fun of me. They laughed. And at that point I knew, that I had found where I belonged.

New Year

There are a lot of thoughts running through my head this morning as I contemplate the new year. Will we be able to get settled at some point this year? Will my wife find her direction? Can I really get off my ass to work towards a bike season that is still eight months away?

All remains to be seen. All remains shrouded at this moment. I've learned a lot about life over the last year. I think I've finally learned what's important. I've learned to relax (OK, that's due mostly to prescriptions, but, whatever, I'm relaxed). I've learned to take moments to play with the kids, because those moments will never be here again. I've learned how much parents can really love and support their kids. And I hope to apply that to my children.

I'm looking forward to the new year with a positive forward view that I don't think I've had in a long time, if ever. I look forward to reconnecting with my wife. I look forward to the new adventures that being a father of two will undoubtedly hold. I look forward to losing weight and gaining fitness.

I'm looking forward to using my new (to me) Computrainer. My father has done it again, surprising me at one of my low moments with an unexpected motivation to train and improve. And this thing ROCKS! Still working out a detail or two on the setup, but it is really cool. This will change everything. If I let it. If I can work it. If I can get off my ass and onto the bike.

God help us all as we face the new year, and man's greatest obstacle to self-improvement:

Self.